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Showing posts from October, 2011

Horrorscopes

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Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  My boss has been complaining about a sinus infection, so I asked him if he uses a neti pot.  He said sort of, so I questioned him further.  It turns out, my friends, that rather than a neti pot, he uses a water pik.  I know!  Could this explain some mysteries about my workplace?  Is everything the result of sandblasting the sinus cavity?  Aries, don't let this be you.  Be gentle with your sinuses and the whole rest of yourselves.  It's dark out there.  

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Here's a blog that you should definitely follow, because it's lovely and filling up with beautiful poems written by the blogger.  I don't want to hear any backtalk about how you don't read poetry, because you'll be missing out on this particular delicacy, the well-crafted poem that requires us work just a little tiny bit.  I know.  When you hear, "nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold," your first response is, "why doesn't he…

'Scopes

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Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  All I could think about all day long on Monday was going out after work to look for mushrooms.  I like to think this didn't impair my job performance much, but this isn't about that.  It's about how I longed for that all day, and when I finally, after the work and the chores and the stopping to get my bike and so on finally ended, and I felt like I'd been on some ridiculous oddessy, and yes, I put two "d's" in that word for a reason, but anyway, by the time I was finally ready to go outside, the sky had turned that really weird form of dark that isn't a good sign.  I tried to content myself with fussing about inside, but gave up and went out there anyway.  By then it had started to pour, I mean serious deluge, the kind that, if you're driving, you pull over because there's no actual way that the windshield wipers can keep up.

And I was feeling too denial-ish to wear rain pants.  Within about 2 seconds, I was soaked to the…

How to keep kids off drugs

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Dear N'3lvra,
I want to know more about Huevos Rancheros. Are they a good prophylactic for all forms of drug abuse, or just sniffing glue and paint? Please advise, and quickly.
Sincerely, Worried but Hopeful
Dear Worried but Hopeful,
First, I'd like to commend you on your correct usage of the word, "hopeful".  It's good to use it correctly, and even better to be it.
Once, when I was a young child on a long drive home from a long day of skiing, my dad started doing this thing where he formed a fist, held it up to his mouth, and started blowing into the tube created by his rounded fingers. "Why are you doing that?" I asked.  
"To stay awake."
"How does that keep you awake?"
"Well," he responded, "have you ever seen someone doing this in their sleep?"It's basically the same thing with Huevos Rancheros, but it's so much easier to lure teens with food than with the suggestion that they blow into their fist.