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Showing posts from January, 2014

Am I a man dreaming of being a butterfly or a woman upwardly mobile on Moh's hardness scale?

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I've been stewing a lot about metamorphosis recently -- the actual thing, not a metaphor.  Well, maybe the metaphor a little bit.  (OK, a lot.  But I won't go into that here.)  Mostly I think about how caterpillars dissolve in the cocoon into slurry, and emerge as butterflies with memories of their lowly caterpillar life.  (I think I've been a caterpillar, and I've definitely been slurry... is that good?)

There's a theory, probably on the list to be debunked, but interesting, nonetheless, that butterflies and caterpillars are two different species, and there's a "deathlike intermission", followed by the reincarnation of a new species.  So while I've been thinking about that, a friend tells me about a service that converts human remains into diamonds.

Is our time spent as ashes in an urn (or suitcase, as the case may be) merely a death-like intermission before we become diamonds?  Is reincarnation available for a few thousand dollars?  What would …

The Otzi's Shoes Edition

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Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  I'm having a little crisis of the spreadsheet, I may know how Rumpelstiltskin felt.  Wait, I have no idea.  What's that story about anyway?  Spreadsheets into data?  Anyway, I've created a bunch of formulas that are built on top of other formulas and on and on, and you get to the end, like 12 steps later and it doesn't work, and my attention span, as you've surely noticed, is 3 seconds long, which doesn't lend itself to backtracking.  It's kind of awkward, because I've spent weeks on it by now. And, every single time I mention Excel, someone says, "Oh, so do you do pivot tables?"  NO.  I do not!   And  I think, these good people have placed trust in me, I hope I'm worthy.  And then I look at my badge, and it's all good again.  Aries, don't back track this week.  Forward march, unidirectional flow.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Have you heard about this?  That dogs align themselves on a north-south axis in order to po…

N'3lvra (pronounced Kort-knee, the 3 is silent) got a letter!!

Dear Khortney,
 I was considering the qwerty keyboard layout and various failed attempts to remove it as the standard. I thought that an interesting idea would be to change alphabetical order to match the keyboard. I think the first step is to come up with an alphabet song in the qwerty order. Do you think this is a development that would aid our society, and will you use your celebrity to aid my cause.

Signed,

Pablo Magnifico

Dear Pablo,

That's brilliant.  Changing alphabetical order will lead to exciting, sensational, astonishing, unaparalleled opportunities for woman and mankind alike.  (Hey, guess what?  Someone gave me a list of 186 power words.  It's going to launch me into being monumental and successful, just like your idea.)

But back to you, Pablo.  It will be as easy as qwe, the letters formerly known as abc.  I'd recommend that we sing to the tune of "doe, a deer."  "Queue, a line I wait within, W a third of the world wide web, E, a sound, I make my…

Horoscopes: The Goose Edition

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Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  At my booty call job, I was asked to create some spreadsheets to track permits.  
"Why am I doing this?", I asked my boss."Because the brand new custom software that KC hired an outside firm to develop over several years and for several million dollars, which is undoubtedly one of the reasons you don't have a job anymore, doesn't have the capacity to track permits.  We've decided to move away from using white boards to monitor the status of the several thousand permits we issue and inspect.  I believe there was an issue with the marker smearing.""Can we do some alternate nostril breathing (ANB) together before we talk about this?""Just one round.""One round together, but then I might continue doing hands free ANB.""Really?  Can you do that?""I'm not sure.  But I can certainly concentrate on one nostril at a time."We continued to talk about this project, but every so often he'…

What makes you think I have cats: the podcast

I've spent many of the last 24 hours trying to create a podcast, which is fun and engrossing and I think I'll probably quit other things in favor of this, because it's just like writing except that other people come up with the words!  How easy is that?  Not so easy, it turns out.  I spent many hours with people I love, trying to capture just why I love them so, what makes them so interesting and special, and trying to create an audio snapshot so that you can see it too.

They didn't seem too get irritated when I kept sticking the microphone in their face, asking questions, like, "C, can you explain what it is you're doing right now?  Yes, right there in the garbage can."  Etc.  

It may take a while because they're complicated people, and the editing program is also complicated, and I'm a slow learner.  I hope I can do it all justice.

Happy new year, dear friends.  Thanks for everything.