Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): One thing that would happen if they were to seize my papers: the poor saps who have to read all of the thousands of wetland reports would jump off bridges or shoot themselves to get away from the boredom of it all. "Wetlands were evaluated using the 1987 Corps of Engineers Wetland Delineation Manual and the 2010 regional supplement blah blah blah the site was dominated by Douglas fir blah blah blah". And they'd have to read every last word to make sure I didn't sneak anything tricky in there. The bright side would be that finally, at long last, someone would read one of my reports! Taurus, don't just skip to the map, actually or metaphorically. Read the words!
Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): So there's a courtroom scene, and Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen, was asked to reveal his other clients, and it turns out he as three. That's normal. A law firm with only three clients, and they're all newsworthy for being icky. The fact that the three of them can keep someone rich tells you everything you need to know. Like, are those guys in trouble a lot or what? How many of my readers would it take to keep an attorney busy? Anyway, you all know the three clients -- two who needed help shushing the porn stars, and one who claimed he isn't really a client, he just wanted some advice. It would be awkward to claim a professional relationship with attorney who specializes in shushing porn stars. But wasn't that scene Perry Mason-ish? 7 billion people on the planet, and we know all his clients? The more I think about it, it sounds made up. Cancer, let your world be big and broad. Encounter more than three people. Go on a trip!
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I went to the dentist a bit ago, and they said I should do this proactive thing, blah blah blah, replace an old filling with a new crown. It will only cost $1500, and take just a few miserable hours of your life, so sure, of course I signed up. Because I'm a grownup, and because if we aren't deeply suffering, how do we know if we're truly alive? If you're ever in doubt, Leo, go enjoy a little dental work. Anyway, the tooth that didn't bother me at all before the procedure now is one I can't chew on without wincing. I returned to the dentist who drilled on the upstairs natural tooth, to get it to match the manufactured crown. This seemed disconcerting. If you go to a locksmith to return a key that doesn't work, should they change the door to match the bad key? No, that's not a thing. When I mentioned that it still hurt, he said, "You should probably just take ibuprofen. That, dear Leo, is why adulting isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's okay to let things slide.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Does clicking the box that says, "I'm not a robot" actually prove it? I'm not a robotics person but I'm thinking a robot could be trained to click that box.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): There are a handful of things I'll never tire of, like stories of twins separated at birth, DB Cooper, people who stage their own disappearance (ala, "Honey, I'm just going out for a pack of cigarettes..." and two years later, their spouse remembers that they didn't even smoke), interesting fossil finds, and mysterious sightings (sasquatch, ghosts, northern lights, the first bean plant to come up in the cold spring garden). But one thing I am terrified of is space travel. Why anyone would want to leave this little planet and go Out There is just beyond me. But there's a whole new podcast about seven people who voluntarily pretended to live on another planet, only it was actually Hawaii. Listen up!
Aquarius (1/20-2/18): One thing that I'm super grateful for is that most of my files were backed up on Dropbox and most of my music was backed up on iTunes. The thing that wasn't backed up, though, is my very careful OCD-ish rating of every single song, that created a carefully curated listening experience where every song was in a playlist, and each playlist had a raison d'etre. Now, I'm faced with the choice of either re-creating the whole thing based on today's life, or just listening randomly. Arrgh, even typing that hurts my sensibilities. You know how this will end, Aquarius. Anyway, saturn returns, Jupiter rises, and the age of Aquarius is still a good song. 4 stars, just like the week ahead.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Pisces, another thing I'm so very very happy about is that I am not one of the tweakers who spends her day smashing windows to grab 5 year old laptops and paperwork and prescription eye glasses from random cars just to get maybe $50 and another fix. I would so much rather have my weird little life with the crawling around in the woods and the shedding dog and the kombucha leather than the one of broken glass and bad juju. Pisces, bring good juju with you wherever you go.